Q: Is it a must that my pastor should know about the person I want to marry?

The Role of a Pastor and Marriage Procedure

A: It is compulsory.Before you approach any woman,your pastor must know about it. We do not want two or three men to chase after one lady. If there is no organised pattern of approach, there would be dissension among brethren over this. It is not the pastors that canvassed for such mediatory stance; God laid it on our heart to do so. As pastors, we do not want to be intermediaries between a man and a woman desiring to marry. But we know that if a man, having been convinced that a particular lady has been approved for him of God to marry, and the lady has not confided in the pastor hitherto that someone was already approaching her for marriage, and the heart of the pastor confirmed that the man is right, he could ask the man to approach the lady.

Our pain is that in many cases, the man bribes his would-be spouse with the pastor's name. It is wrong for a suitor to claim 'the pastor has asked that I inform you that you are God's choice for me.'No! Your explanation should be that 'I prayed and God has led me to you as a possible wife, and I have told the people of God, and I want you to also go and pray concerning the matter.' Within this period, if another brother brings up the name of the lady, the pastor would admonish him to go and pray very well until God shows him the right way. You can see that this approach would prevent rancour and acrimony in the household of God. God answers prayer when people are united and uphold the spirit of oneness.

The pastor would thereafter ask the lady to go and inform her parents. The lady needs the backing of her parents before going into marriage. One reason for this is that payment of bride price is not equal in our nation. Some collect handsome bride price while some,moderate. The lady would be told by the pastor to ask her parents if they would allow her marry whosoever God had ordained for her to marry. If they answer in the affirmative, she would report to the pastor. The pastor would ask her to go back to her parents and tell them that the bride price payable in the church she attends is not too substantial, and that the husband she is about to marry would not marry another wife and would not make life difficult for her. That is for those whose parents are not in the Gospel. The church does not support huge bride price so that the couple would not be in difficulties after the wedding.

When the maiden brings a positive report the second time that the parents had conceded to her marrying him, the pastor would ask her to say yes to the suitor. The man may never know about the intercession of the pastor in the process. But the space the pastor has filled does not make him a matchmaker at all. He has acted as a facilitator rather than a matchmaker. A pastor who acts as a matchmaker is misusing his position. For instance, it is possible that after a wedding, there is no pregnancy. After a while,the woman may approach the pastor, 'Pastor, I would have maintained my stand by not marrying this man, but for your prompting that I should marry him.' It could also be the man that would confront the pastor and say, 'This Comfort matter tires me o. We have done everything but she does not seem able to get pregnant and my people are getting impatient.' The pastor could retort, 'You will have to pray,' and the man could say, 'I don't even know how to pray much. Truth is that I did not originally think of marrying Comfort; it was your intervention that made me marry her.' The pastor in the circumstance would not be able to maintain his stand for God. He would become a compromiser as he has burnt his fingers.